Dear Mama in the Fourth Trimester

Dear mommies in the fourth trimester*,

As you’ve probably discovered by now, that first three months is a litany of contradiction, whether it’s your first—how on earth will we do this?—or your second—how will we balance two? (I have no experience beyond that. 😉 )

You’re tired— You probably haven’t slept more than a solid four hours a night in the last three months. You would think the easiest thing for a baby to learn would be how to sleep. They need sleep more than you do. But you wouldn’t believe it for the lack you’re both getting lately.

You’re hungry— But not quite sure for what since even though you’re finally done with those pregnancy limitations, now you’re stuck with the breastfeeding limitations. (And if you’re not breastfeeding–you’re still struggling to get Those Two under control. 😉 )

You’re thirsty— All you want is three cups of coffee!!! How are you supposed to function without sleep AND coffee?!!

You’re feeling elated— Every time that little bundle opens his or her eyes and looks at you, really looks at you, you know you have everything you’ve ever wanted.

You’re feeling frustrated— Why must that moment of joy always be followed by a cry or scream as this infant tries to tell you what it needs the only way it knows how?

I know you’re tired but the fact that you’re reading this means that you are desperate for some recognition of the difficult time you’re going through. You’re seeking some encouragement, some happy words that will tell you that you can live through this and in the end it is so worth it. And I will say that. Because it’s true.

But I also want to just say: I hear you, mama. I know right now all you want is for someone to understand what you’re going through. To say I’ve been there too, and it does get better, but tell me how YOU are feeling right now.

How many times have you been bathed in spit-up today? For that matter, when was the last time you got a 20 minutes or more shower? What’s something you learned today about being a mother? What’s been the happiest moment for you in the past week? The worst?

I know right now all you want is a full night’s sleep (maybe even just a couple hours?). You want all this pain, the soreness of giving birth to a little human being (nobody told you it would hurt so much after the birth!), to go away and leave you in peace. You want desperately to feel like yourself again (what is yourself now anyway?). You wish you could find just a few moments to center while at the same time wishing you could never set down this tiny beautiful infant (but would someone please hold them for just a few minutes?).

Mama, whether this is your first or your second (after that I’ve heard it gets easier), know that there will come a time when you will forget all of this. (Scoff.) No, really. I promise. You will forget how many hours, days, or months it took to feel like yourself again, and to feel like a family. All you’ll be left with is a sense that there was a time when tiredness was all you knew. But in the end, it was a happy tiredness. It was a tiredness that forged you into the mother you are today. A tiredness that will bring you so much joy with little people with their own thoughts and feelings. A tiredness that brought you your family as you know it now, and you can’t imagine it being any other way.

So hang in there, mama. You can do it. Laugh when you can (it really is the best medicine), cry when you can’t (there is nothing wrong with crying!). Know that there are those who love you and would love to help you, even if to help is just to listen. You just have to ask.

Sincerely,

A mama like you

 
*By now you’ve probably heard the term “fourth trimester” referring to the first three months of bringing your infant home. If not, check out the Five S’s methodology—it was a life-saver with my first!